How to politely deal with people who get college drunk at a casino and accuse ATM's of being pyramid schemes

Dear Mr. Poole,

Thank you for the email regarding your recent ATM withdrawals. Our records indicate that the two transactions you mentioned in your message occurred on the same day but the attempts were separated by more than an hour. If you still wish to dispute one of the withdrawals, please let us know at your earliest convenience.

Thank you for trusting USAA and the opportunity to serve all your financial needs.

Thank you,
USAA

Notification sent to: stuart.poole@work.com

ATMburglar

(Editors note: This was an email written to my bank)

Hello,

I would like to inquire into the timing of two ATM withdrawals on Feb 9, 2009. My online account doesn't offer this information. I went to an ATM to withdraw $200, however, after entering my PIN number, selecting the amount of money, and the Machines saying "please wait for your money" (or something to that effect); Nothing came out.

I called an attendant over, who said the transaction didn't register, etc. I then went to the adjacent ATM and took out $184.99. However, I firmly believe the first transaction DID register.
Thus, I am hoping you can confirm the timing of the two transactions copied below. If they are within 5 minutes of each other, then I believe the $204.99 was deducted from my account, and I never received the funds. (I spent +-5 minutes standing next to the ATM waiting for attendant)

If the two transactions are separated by more than 5 minutes, then I do not remember taking the money out, and that is my own fault.

First Transaction:

Feb 9, 2009 3850 LAS VEGAS ATM

WITHDRAWAL ($204.99)

Second Transaction:
Feb 9, 2009 3850 LAS VEGAS
ATM WITHDRAWAL ($184.99)

I am not trying to weasel my way out of casino losses. There are two things that support my argument: 1) No sane person would pay $5 atm fees multiple times if they could avoid it. And 2) While I may suck at gambling, I'm too risk averse to play $200 in 5 minutes at a blackjack table. (Pls. see credit card payment history, my USAA Brokerage holdings, credit report and/or whatever else may help in this argument).

Thanks for looking into this and I look forward to your reply.

Thanks,

Stuart

Fwd to the past: A letter to Stu.

Dear five year old Stu,

Don't sit in that hanging vegetable scale at the grocery store next week. It ends badly. Here's why: See, the maximum weight for those scales is 10 lbs; and you weigh five times that. In due course, multiplication tables will explain this rare phenomena, but for now, just note that people generally don't sit in elevated produce scales, adolescent employees don't want to clean up the broken aluminum parts and your mom just assume not have to claim you as hers when you're on the floor surrounded by metal, fruit and a puddle of tears.

Fondly,

You, 22 years from now.

ps. Your mom is privy to your dinner-time stunt of excusing yourself, going the bathroom with your glass of milk and dumping it in the toilet, and then sitting back down at the table saying you drank your milk in the bathroom. Flushing may help hide evidence. At least come back with a milk mustache. But generally, your parents get it. That's why they fill your milk glass back up when you return. Also, sick overalls.

pps.

Ok.

Not ok.